I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
