Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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