So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
