ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
