either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
