just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
