party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
