Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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