I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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