dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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