apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
