Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
