I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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