come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
