she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
