the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
