good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
