You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
