You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
