The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
