I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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