If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
