So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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