im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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