I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
