i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
my liver is dry heaving
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
