You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
