my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We need to get me chipped asap
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
