And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
