3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
