I think im going to throw up on grandma
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
