a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
