Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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