I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
