just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
