You just made me feel so damn special
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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