Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.