I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
