i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
this boner is exhausting
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
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I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have