The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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