the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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