I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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