I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
