just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
