i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
