i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
