My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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