Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
