I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
