More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
