im drinking this country out of the recession.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
