R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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