Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
