Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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