how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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