call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
