She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
then he tried to convert me to islam
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
