I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
